I was warned before returning home by many whom I love and respect that I would need to guard my time. When one moves to a new place with the intention of getting involved, getting "busy," one inevitably forfeits a great deal of free time. Upon arrival I immediately dove into finding work, into attempting to make friends, into healing myself and growing in every way possible, and that has taken a toll. I am coming-up against a wall and am arriving at a place where I need a break. But there is no break in sight.
My work-week has slowly been increasing from 40 hours a week, to 45, and is now plateauing at somewhere between 50 and 55. Such work hours are completely manageable for many people, but so much time on the job(s) is becoming increasingly crippling for me. I spent most of last week either dreaming about sleep or being annoyed with someone or something. I couldn't stand my attitude, but could not find a way to change it. All I knew was that this was not my typical modus operandi. I am rarely upset, rarely spiteful or angry, yet after Tuesday of last week that was all I could feel. I found that I was missing my life in California, all of my friends, everything that I was involved in. I wanted the farm. I wanted my sisterfriends. I wanted Mountainside and Monrovia. I had completely forgotten why I had moved home.
It took a serendipitous run-in with an Episcopalian priest, Debbie Noonan, at a farmers market and a subsequent coffee date and conversation to remind me of what I am doing here and why I chose Phoenix. I am here to follow my vocation, to work hand and hand with a church and a community to bring people together through the growing of food. That is why I am here and that is what I want to do. I might have two jobs, but they are just jobs. They are not my work. I must have time for my work, especially if that work is not a part of my job. So I don't know how it will happen, but I need to choose a church community, to make connections, and to start following my vocation. I need to be growing things. Though I work on and with a farm, I rarely am involved in the process of growing and harvesting food. And I need to be involved in that process not only for myself, but for the benefit of those who are in my community. I can only be good for my community when I am involved in things which give me life. Growing food gives me life. It is something that must be done.
So if anyone reads this, I ask that you help hold me accountable. Please ask me if I have grown anything this week, or if I have attended church, or if I have been reading, or researching farming/growing methods. This busy job-ing way of life isn't sustainable for me, at least not without land, or food, or sharing the harvest. I want to be involved in Life again, but I must find the courage to stand-up for it. This community here deserves better of me, and I know that I owe more to myself.